ah, the joys of being able to completely daze out without being on drugs. it's a curse but also a boon because it helps me shut out the world. shut out things like, well, pretty much damn near everything. except music. and this screen and keyboard which have had me bound to them since the first day i saw them. i'm trying not to think very hard for the next couple of hours because lately, i've been thinking way too much. and it's not about important things either, like school.
well, i guess religion is important to me. i just wish it was easier. i mean, believing in my immortal soul is easy, and believing that there is a god or a bunch of gods out there is pretty easy too. especially when one stops to ponder the big bang theory, which has really no explanation for its own beginnings. so i'm a creationist. there's one point i'm sure of. so so far we've got A: some sort of higher power that somehow created or molded what we see today and B:i have a soul, but i don't know why or where it came from C:...there is no c yet. there are so many fucking relgions in this world, and they're all so quick to tell you that they have all the answers you'll ever need and noone else can help me. Shite.
if that was true, i would be kicking back smirnoff's with the holy ghost right now. but no, i'm not even sure if the holy ghost exists. if god exists, why is he punishing us, his most beloved creation? why did he put us here? he wants us to go to heaven anyway, right? why all the hassle, he made me, in his own image, therefore i should be worthy, from birth, to enter heaven. HE MADE ME AND NOW HE'S SENT ME HERE TO ROT?! fuck that. if that's your idea of god, then you can have him, cuz i don't want to be a part of any type of trip like that.
no, god shouldn't always be loving, caring, understanding. sometimes things need done, and i understand that. but i mean come on "here's an apple tree, don't eat from it" he made us, he knew us in the womb, bla bla bla, he knew we'd eat that apple. did he underestimate the vaunted lucifer? perhaps. but that means that he has enough power to sway god's most powerful undertaking. this would put the Morning Star on equal footing with My Creator. uh oh. have i commited heresy? or have i asked the right question?
as a great thinker once said "choose your future, choose life" well how shall i choose life when i'm stuck worrying about the afterlife. valhalla is a tempting ideal, if i have a visceral experience while i'm here, and do it right, i go to heaven. in the christian tradition, lusting for life sends me to hell, the place of the devil. why would the devil want me, why would he care? better to rule in hell than serve in heaven? perhaps.
what would i do in heaven? or hell for that matter. serve. worship, dance around the leader? why would i want to do that for eternity. it doesn't sound like much fun, and shouldn't eternal life be fun? otherwise, what's the point. i've been miserable for over 19 years now, i've no intention of being kicked around till...till...till my head explodes from trying to fathom eternity. look into the abyss, and when the abyss grins back at you, try not to scream.
music:bjork, godspeed you black emperor, thursday
