the problem with delivering pizzas is that it leaves me with much too much time by myself to think. this isn't too bad if i'm just contemplating random things, like religion and such, but when i'm depressed, it gets bad. tonight was one of those nights. i am probly going to write one of the most godawful depressing entries i've ever done, so if you don't want to read it, or don't care all that much, go somewhere else.
i feel so isolated. i am isolated. vienna is an island and i'm a cast-away. although i have a feeling i'd feel like this even if i lived in NYC or LA. maybe i'm the island. i know i have a lot of friends, but there's a lot of things friends can't give you, emotionally.
friends generally won't make out with you. friends don't collapse exhausted back onto the bed after sharing one of the most intimate of moments, nor are they there when you wake up, nuzzled into your side or chest. friends can't fill this void i have inside. it's honestly like part of my soul is missing. i had no idea how big a space she would leave when i kicked her out. perhaps this would be easier if i did want her back, but i don't, and i realize that i'm going to have to move on. that's the hard part. i hate being a stoic but not being able to do anything about my sadness. how did marcus aurelius deal with love?
i wait too long to make my move with every girl i've ever had a chance with. i disgust myself with how out of shape i am, but i'm too lazy to work out. i disgust myself with my lack of study habits or willpower in general nowadays. i have closed myself off so much now that i don't even know when i'm being cold or callous to people. i catch myself being a complete asshole to good friends. i am unable to express my pain through poetry, which used to be my main release. the words, which used to line up in verses and lines have disapeared. i listen to old music like MXPX and find that i didn't know shit about shit back then. i was so closed to the world, and i fear that i still am in so many ways. i'm going to flunk the only class i need to go to wvu. i can't bring myself to care. i'm starting to think "would living in pburg for the next 3 or 4 years be so bad?"
if you've read this far, thank you. you either really care about me, or you're very bored. either way...yeah. i'm gonna go try and concentrate on the math i've been avoiding for 2 weeks, since we have a midterm this week. *sigh*
music: mxpx, pretty girls make graves, alkaline trio
